Top 10 Internet Predictions of 2014

Jeez, 2013 only seemed to start a year ago and now it’s gone.
And to tell you the truth, I’m very happy with that because it’s been an odd year and you know what that means, no World Cup, Euro’s or Olympics!
But 2014, all things being even, I think I’m going to like. For a start England will definitely win the World Cup and I’m also convinced that at least one my predictions will come true this time.
In fact I’m so confident I’ll even give you a bonus prediction for the very beginning of the year. On January 1st when the new series of ‘Sherlock’ starts I fully expect that the reason Benedict Cumberbatch didn’t die falling off that roof is because he nicked a teleporter from being in that Star Trek movie. Remember folks, you read it here first.
It’s as obvious as England winning the World Cup.
But enough, I’m just showing off now and so without another do being furthered, I present to you my latest list of internet based certainties. THE TOP 10 INTERNET PREDICTIONS OF 2014.

1. Attention spans on the internet will get shorter and shorter. Even Vine videos receive the complaint, “Well, that’s 6 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.”
2. With the Mini Ipad such a success, Apple look to minimize other products and unveil their Mini Mouse.
3. Amazon will roll out their new drone program to deliver packages. Unfortunately, tragic circumstances ensue when they choose the same manufacturer as the US military who spectacularly misunderstand the nature of the ‘package’ meant to be delivered.
4. Irony will abound for Monty Python fans who apply online for tickets to the Reunion gigs. All the confirmation emails get caught in the Spam filter.
5. Ebay decide to introduce a regional marketplace service. The first one will be in Yorkshire and be called Ebay Gum.
6. Tentative talks will be held by Confused.com and PaddyPower about a merger. Plans will be scrapped however when the name ConfusedPaddy.com doesn’t scan well with certain focus groups.
7. Facebook finally relent to pressure and unveil a new ‘Dislike’ button. People who don’t like the ‘dislike’ button have a field day.
8. The Government will be confronted over their claims that every family is at least £50 better off than they were before the last election. Turns out they’re counting the free bets from online gambling sites.
9. NSA whistleblower Edward Norton will drop a new bombshell. Or more likely, one will drop on him.
10. The 3rd most viewed selfie of 2014 will be of Miley Cyrus’s arse. The 2nd most viewed selfie will be of Miley Cyrus’s tongue. But the No. 1 most viewed selfie will be of Miley Cyrus’s tongue sticking out of Miley Cyrus’s arse. Most of the World however, fed up with Miley Cyrus’s tongue and Miley Cyrus’s arse will be dismayed it’s only Photoshop’d.

Oh well, that’s it for another year. Back to twerk I go.
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Top 10 Internet Predictions for 2013

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the…well, it was just about everything in 2012.

A Diamond Jubilee, a Champions League, a triumphant Olympic Games, a Tour de France, a tennis US Open, James Bond better than ever and ahem…One Direction.

It’s a shame they wouldn’t allow a Brit to be US President, we might have won that too. I bet Simon Cowell could have done it, he’s used to running things and getting people to vote. As it was, apparently a Kenyan won it again.

Still if it can’t be that good for ol’ Blighty in 2013, what can we expect to happen this year? And specifically what’s next for us, and the wider World, on the series of tubes they call the internet.

Because regular readers of my blog (although I concede there hasn’t been much new stuff to read lately) will know that at this time of year I always try to predict the web based wonders of the next 12 months, even if I don’t really try too hard.

But why shouldn’t one of my predictions come true, I mean the law of averages must kick in eventually. Always the optimist me.

And so without further ado but with suitably overblown fanfare and fingers crossed I present to you my TOP 10 INTERNET PREDICTIONS FOR 2013.

1. Apple will launch a radical plan to justify all the glaring errors on their Apple Maps service. Their first step is to buy The Eiffel Tower and move it to a suburb in Lowestoft where they say it is.
2. After Piers Morgan’s rant about gun control sparked a US online petition to have him deported, and a UK one was launched not to have him back, a third poll is created to promote the obvious compromise. Millions vote to drop him somewhere in the middle.
3. A shocking decline in medical training at NHS Direct is highlighted after a member of staff suggests using Google Docs for a second opinion.
4. The Pope will soon regret opening his new Twitter account. One glass of Communion wine too many and he announces ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is his new second favorite book. #NaughtyPontiff.
5. A very ill-conceived new method of Viral Marketing goes horribly wrong for zombie movie ‘World War Z’. Within 28 days the World looks like a scene from The Walking Dead and box office takings are terrible.
6. As online gambling sites proliferate, 888.com cause outrage by inventing a new niche in the market. Based on very poor taste betting they launch a companion website called 666.com
7. A Monty Python fan makes a terrible error by setting up a Google Alert for ‘Spam’ instead of Spamalot’. The next time he opens his email account there are 7 Trillion messages in there.
8. Someone will hack into Wikipedia and edit Wikipedia’s own page about Wikipedia. Changing the text to say Wikipedia closed as soon as it started, the resulting space time paradox makes it disappear off the web and millions of students retroactively fail their exams.
9. After much criticism for not paying any UK corporation tax for years, Amazon and the government finally reach a settlement. Ministers will get first dibs on all the best deals on Black Friday.
10. Twitter will follow Facebook by floating on the stock market. Frustration sets in though when investors are restricted to a maximum of 140 shares at a time.

I actually had another one but it’s just too obvious really. That when Wills and Kate’s baby is born every celeb in the western World will be poised by a computer to be the first to say they are so happy for them. Well, maybe not Morrissey.