Well, 2014 was a bit shit wasn’t it.
Not entirely of course, we did have a decent summer and there was some good tele but you don’t need me to list the more despicable events of the year…and I’m not even including England’s performance at the World Cup.
Nevertheless, you’ve always got to be positive about the new year don’t you, although granted that’s made a bit easier if you’re a Chelsea fan like me. But for those poor unfortunates who support a team without Eden Hazard, what is there to look forward to?
Not so much as it turns out, especially as far as my internet based predictions are concerned.
Because regular visitors will know I confidently foresee at least 10 things to enjoy/dread in the coming year. Prognostications based upon extensive empirical research of all things web and my even greater understanding of the human mind.
However, this year as the whole Net turns murkier, I feel constrained to offer only 5 iron-clad Internet certainties lest my more dire revelations spirals mankind into moral degradation even more quickly.
That’s what I’m saying anyway. The fact that I only started to think about them a few days ago has nothing to do with it.
So my friends, here then without further fanfare or shameful excuse are my Top
10 5 Internet Predictions of 2015. Read on, it won’t take you long.
- Google will find a commerical use for the ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button on their search page. When you press it you get taken to a new online Gambling service.
- When it’s said he’s losing his touch, a jealous Kim Jon Un will order North Korea to cyber attack the newly crowned No.1 most repressive and corrupt and governing body in the World. FIFA.
- Google will try to atone for not paying enough tax in the UK by promising to clean up inner city neighbourhoods. The new service will be called Google Mops.
- When a disproportionate amount of their new iWatches are returned by men for being broken, Apple will realise a fundamental design flaw. Having something you can watch porn on, that’s worn on the wrist and isn’t sufficiently shake proof is just asking for trouble.
- Kim Kardashian’s bum will break the internet this year. She’ll sit on it.
Unfortunately, at least to my mind, I fear those last two may well be linked.
Jeez, 2013 only seemed to start a year ago and now it’s gone.
And to tell you the truth, I’m very happy with that because it’s been an odd year and you know what that means, no World Cup, Euro’s or Olympics!
But 2014, all things being even, I think I’m going to like. For a start England will definitely win the World Cup and I’m also convinced that at least one my predictions will come true this time.
In fact I’m so confident I’ll even give you a bonus prediction for the very beginning of the year. On January 1st when the new series of ‘Sherlock’ starts I fully expect that the reason Benedict Cumberbatch didn’t die falling off that roof is because he nicked a teleporter from being in that Star Trek movie. Remember folks, you read it here first.
It’s as obvious as England winning the World Cup.
But enough, I’m just showing off now and so without another do being furthered, I present to you my latest list of internet based certainties. THE TOP 10 INTERNET PREDICTIONS OF 2014.
- Attention spans on the internet will get shorter and shorter. Even Vine videos receive the complaint, “Well, that’s 6 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.”
- With the Mini Ipad such a success, Apple look to minimize other products and unveil their Mini Mouse.
- Amazon will roll out their new drone program to deliver packages. Unfortunately, tragic circumstances ensue when they choose the same manufacturer as the US military who spectacularly misunderstand the nature of the ‘package’ meant to be delivered.
- Irony will abound for Monty Python fans who apply online for tickets to the Reunion gigs. All the confirmation emails get caught in the Spam filter.
- Ebay decide to introduce a regional marketplace service. The first one will be in Yorkshire and be called Ebay Gum.
- Tentative talks will be held by Confused.com and PaddyPower about a merger. Plans will be scrapped however when the name ConfusedPaddy.com doesn’t scan well with certain focus groups.
- Facebook finally relent to pressure and unveil a new ‘Dislike’ button. People who don’t like the ‘dislike’ button have a field day.
- The Government will be confronted over their claims that every family is at least £50 better off than they were before the last election. Turns out they’re counting the free bets from online gambling sites.
- NSA whistleblower Edward Norton will drop a new bombshell. Or more likely, one will drop on him.
- The 3rd most viewed selfie of 2014 will be of Miley Cyrus’s arse. The 2nd most viewed selfie will be of Miley Cyrus’s tongue. But the No. 1 most viewed selfie will be of Miley Cyrus’s tongue sticking out of Miley Cyrus’s arse. Most of the World however, fed up with Miley Cyrus’s tongue and Miley Cyrus’s arse will be dismayed it’s only Photoshop’d.
Oh well, that’s it for another year. Back to twerk I go.
Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the…well, it was just about everything in 2012.
A Diamond Jubilee, a Champions League, a triumphant Olympic Games, a Tour de France, a tennis US Open, James Bond better than ever and ahem…One Direction.
It’s a shame they wouldn’t allow a Brit to be US President, we might have won that too. I bet Simon Cowell could have done it, he’s used to running things and getting people to vote. As it was, apparently a Kenyan won it again.
Still if it can’t be that good for ol’ Blighty in 2013, what can we expect to happen this year? And specifically what’s next for us, and the wider World, on the series of tubes they call the internet.
Because regular readers of my blog (although I concede there hasn’t been much new stuff to read lately) will know that at this time of year I always try to predict the web based wonders of the next 12 months, even if I don’t really try too hard.
But why shouldn’t one of my predictions come true, I mean the law of averages must kick in eventually. Always the optimist me.
And so without further ado but with suitably overblown fanfare and fingers crossed I present to you my TOP 10 INTERNET PREDICTIONS FOR 2013.
- Apple will launch a radical plan to justify all the glaring errors on their Apple Maps service. Their first step is to buy The Eiffel Tower and move it to a suburb in Lowestoft where they say it is.
- After Piers Morgan’s rant about gun control sparked a US online petition to have him deported, and a UK one was launched not to have him back, a third poll is created to promote the obvious compromise. Millions vote to drop him somewhere in the middle.
- A shocking decline in medical training at NHS Direct is highlighted after a member of staff suggests using Google Docs for a second opinion.
- The Pope will soon regret opening his new Twitter account. One glass of Communion wine too many and he announces ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is his new second favorite book. #NaughtyPontiff.
- A very ill-conceived new method of Viral Marketing goes horribly wrong for zombie movie ‘World War Z’. Within 28 days the World looks like a scene from The Walking Dead and box office takings are terrible.
- As online gambling sites proliferate, 888.com cause outrage by inventing a new niche in the market. Based on very poor taste betting they launch a companion website called 666.com
- A Monty Python fan makes a terrible error by setting up a Google Alert for ‘Spam’ instead of Spamalot’. The next time he opens his email account there are 7 Trillion messages in there.
- Someone will hack into Wikipedia and edit Wikipedia’s own page about Wikipedia. Changing the text to say Wikipedia closed as soon as it started, the resulting space time paradox makes it disappear off the web and millions of students retroactively fail their exams.
- After much criticism for not paying any UK corporation tax for years, Amazon and the government finally reach a settlement. Ministers will get first dibs on all the best deals on Black Friday.
- Twitter will follow Facebook by floating on the stock market. Frustration sets in though when investors are restricted to a maximum of 140 shares at a time.
I actually had another one but it’s just too obvious really. That when Wills and Kate’s baby is born every celeb in the western World will be poised by a computer to be the first to say they are so happy for them. Well, maybe not Morrissey.
2012, oh er.
As if 2011 wasn’t bad enough, we have either a financial armageddon to look forward to in the coming year or a real one if the Mayans or Roland Emmerich are to be believed.
On the bright side though, if cataclysmic seismic shifts do begin to destroy our planet, someone is bound to create an app for that. At least it’ll be nice and easy to follow our spiral into oblivion.
I wouldn’t have to rack my brains for the 2013 version of these unlikely predictions either.
But without such a ready excuse for this year, here then…after great deliberation and viewing many hours of internet related programming, if ‘Rude Tube’ counts, are my Top 10 Internet Predictions for 2012.
And as in previous years they are presented in absolutely no order of accuracy or probability, so let history prove me right or wrong. If the Mayan prediction is right it won’t matter anyway will it.
- The fairy-tale Royal Marriage of William and Kate will come to a sad and acrimonious end once she discovers his Google history includes multiple searches for ‘Pippa Middleton’s arse’.
- Following the film success of ‘The Social Network’, plans are made for a sequel. About how looters used Facebook to co-ordinate the London Riots, this one will be called ‘The Anti-Social Network’.
- Beleaguered social network site Friends Reunited have a brilliant idea for a new advertising campaign. Unfortunately they can only afford Gunther for it and not Joey, Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler or Monica.
- When the new iPad 3 is released, Microsoft will again demonstrate how far behind Apple they are by saying that once you put a mouse and mousepad on it you still can’t see the screen to use it.
- It won’t matter who wins the Republican nomination for the US Presidential election, they are all so poor that after a YouTube only debate is broadcast, Keyboard Cat will play them out.
- The term Googlewhack, known previously as a search request producing only one result, will become something far more sinister when Google unveil their new Assassination service.
- Famous in the US, classified ads site Craigslist will recognise a chance for some free publicity in the UK. When the new Bond film is released it will change its name to DanielCraigsList for a week.
- For those watching The Olympic 100m final on BBC iPlayer via broadband it will be over in less than 10 seconds. For those on dial up it will last 2 minutes and then freeze just at the end.
- Britain will realize its obsession with celebrity has finally gone too far when someone tweets a rumour that Z-Lister Rik Waller has hemorrhoids, and even that starts trending.
- Given that the Mayans have predicted the end of the World on December 21st 2012, Amazon are careful to include a disclaimer that this may effect Christmas delivery times.
So there you have them. And I really, really hope at least one of them does come true.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just off to my Twitter account. I’m sure that was Rik Waller in Superdrug buying Preperation H.
Ah 2010, what a year. We had that iPad thingee that proved quite popular and a whistleblowing website that became extremely famous even though only U.S. government agencies, newspapers and some people in caves in Pakistan would have visited it.
Actually I don’t feel qualified to talk much about 2010 as I spent way too much of it on my Xbox 360 when in previous years I would have been writing on here. In my defense though, there were some terrific games released.
Still with a resolution for somewhat more insightful journalism over this 12 months, what better way to start than with another round of predictions that proved so accurate in 2010. Well I assume they were, who knows, I’ve been too busy playing on my Xbox.
Anyway, without further ado, and in absolutely no order of probability I present my Top 10 Internet Predictions for 2011.
- With the BBC blowing all of its money on the Royal Wedding, the Queens usual Christmas Day broadcast has to be released on Twitter instead.
- The porn industry adapts 3D technology to the internet. When male porn stars turn around people will be seen to duck.
- Hostilities between North and South Korea reach crisis point when the South Korean P.M. de-friends Kim Jon-il on Facebook.
- Wikileaks founder Julian Assange miscalculates badly by creating a sister site called Wookieleaks aimed at Star Wars. All the computer geeks who supported him previously now crash his servers.
- When the E.U Monetary System threatens to collapse only Google has the money for a bailout. Not ones to miss a trick they place Adwords on Euro banknotes.
- ‘Black Monday’, the busiest online shopping day before Christmas will be attacked by the PC brigade for perceived racist overtones. Is renamed to the more appropriate (In the) ‘Red Monday’.
- You think Apple place their computers in lots of TV programs now, once product placement laws in the UK are relaxed on Feb 28th they’ll show up in a badgers holt in Springwatch.
- The price comparison site war turns dirty as thousands of specially trained ‘attack’ Meerkats are released in the Go Compare offices.
- As .com addresses become exhausted new top level domain names are tested for specific markets. Cricket teams get .ball, printer firms get .matrix, EastEnder fan sites get .cotton and morse code sites get .dotdot
- The term ‘cloud computing’ will become the internet buzz phrase in 2011 and still nobody, absolutely nobody, will know what it means.
Oh yeah, that last one, that one will happen.
Bloody hell, 2009 went quickly didn’t it, must have been cutbacks caused by the recession.
But it wasn’t just the culmination of another year, it also marked the end of the first real online decade.
And talk about the rise of the machines, even if it wasn’t Skynet and the T1000, there’s a sometimes hostile computer in nearly every home now.
So Gawd knows what will happen over as many as the next 10 years, possibly it’ll be Google that takes over the World, but I can at least try to forecast what will happen this year.
It has to be said though, I haven’t tried very hard.
So in no particular order of probability, the only accuracy I will vouch for, I give you my Top 10 Internet Predictions for 2010
- Twitter and Facebook merge to become TwitFace. It could have been worse.
- In a focused promotional campaign for its search engine Bing, Microsoft target students with a variation called Bong and football managers with a secret edition called Bung.
- After Cliff Richard threatens to be Christmas Number No. 1, a huge internet campaign is launched in favour of The X Factor winner’s single.
- Apple sue the BBC over retrospective naming rights to iClaudius.
- Internet porn sites distinguish themselves by starting with xxx. instead of www.
- Online poll of UK pensioners reveals most believe Peter Kay invented the t’internet, and garlic bread.
- Computer pranksters release a virus that makes the Enter key sporadically emit a fart noise.
- The government identifies a new green initiative for Spam email, it must be printed off to be recycled.
- Firefox gains upper hand in the browser wars by replacing logo with a picture of Megan Fox in only a firemans helmet.
- Most viewed YouTube video, Charlie biting Susan Boyle’s finger.
How about another Top 10 list.
Because previously I wrote of the “Top 10 Reasons Your Website Needs A Redesign“.
But now instead of wild and comedic exaggerations to indirectly insult your web designer, to hell with it, let’s slander them in a more immediate fashion.
It is all meant in jest although with some sites I see, I may be more accurate than I could imagine.
So, I present to you “The Top 10 Reasons You Need A New Web Designer” and in true Top 10 list fashion you should read this from bottom to top.
- He said “What’s a Google?”
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOU NEED A NEW WEB DESIGNER…
- Your guy thinks screen resolutions come in ‘small’, ‘medium’, and ‘large’.
- Your guy thinks spell checking is something that only Harry Potter needs to do.
- After a request to make a site more appealing to women, your guy adds pictures of shoes and Clive Owen.
- Your guy tries to convince you Search Engines are just a fad.
- Your guy thinks Usability Testing is only to make sure the site loads.
- Your guy thinks a search engine submission is a wrestling manoeuvre.
- Your guy thinks an Apple Mac is dessert for a Quarter Pounder.
- Your guy thinks a web server is what Spider-Man wears on his wrists.
- Your guy’s concept for your website is urban grunge, but you own a pet shop.
I like a good Top 10 list, it’s just a nice punchy format to make a point with.
As a big fan of The Late Show with David Letterman (whenever they show it here), I wish I could do this one in classic Dave reverse order, revealing each one in turn for maximum effect.
But frankly I don’t have the budget so please read them from bottom to top and act surprised as you do so.
So here it is, all my own work – The Top 10 reasons your website needs a redesign.
The unofficial no. 11 being my rates are very competitive and I need the work.
And remember, reverse order, starting at no. 10
- It’s shit.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOUR WEBSITE NEEDS A RE-DESIGN…
- It has a hit counter, dummy!
- You have a hit counter that only increases when you log on to see if the hit counter has increased.
- Your navigational links are more broken than the World Banking System.
- You want to project a serious business presence but your main headings have smiley faces next to them.
- Rival firms are linking to your website to show how bad it is.
- Your content proudly boasts a last updated notice…2006.
- The ‘Submit’ button on your e-commerce site isn’t working and nobody’s complained.
- The last time your site had a revamp, Google was only a Search Engine.
- Tim Berners-Lee, the creator of the internet, saw your website and wonders why he bothered.